E is leaving to start shooting his pilot, and I’m SO excited beyond belief. I’m not lying when I say that. This whole process of getting it picked up by CW, watching him go through casting the series regulars, and hearing him talk about budgets and script changes has been fascinating and fun. I couldn’t be prouder of him. And it’s all been smooth sailing…
Until I realized that THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.
As someone who really loves to control things, it’s been insanely difficult to let go of that control. E leaves tonight to spend three weeks in New Mexico on his pilot. I want E’s pilot to go well. I want it to get picked up and go to series. I want it to get all of the attention it so rightfully deserves. I want his time filming the pilot to be some of the best days of his life. But because I can’t control any of that, the rest of my life became somewhat paralyzing for me.
I haven’t been able to write. Or if I do write, it’s like barely anything is coming out. I’ve been procrastinating a lot, which isn’t like me, and finding plenty of excuses to just do nothing. It’s as if by not blogging regularly, and not doing my morning writing, I am somehow delaying the process of him leaving. Like, if I stop doing the things that always propel me forward, time will slow and things won’t actually change. As much as I was trying to protect myself, I think in some ways I also thought I was protecting E from the unknown WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?!
In reality, of course, things have changed: E is still about to leave, and I’ve all but stopped my own personal writing. It’s only now, the day that he’s leaving, that I’ve been able to fully recognize what I was doing and why I was doing it. The WHAT being that I had backed myself into a corner. The WHY being that I was trying to fortify us both against the unknown.
I think seeing E pack his things this morning really snapped me out of it. This is happening. I have no idea what’s going to come. And the only thing we can both do is our best. E will be amazing in New Mexico, and he has a phenomenal team of people helping him create his dream show. And I need to be supportive, and accept that some things are simply out of my control.
I will drive E to the airport tonight, and I will come home and try not to worry about what’s to come. I think I can sometimes get so wrapped up in thinking about the future, that I often forget to just live in what’s happening right now.
I don’t know if this is something other people have experienced. A lot of times, when I realize just how much change affects me, I really wish I didn’t feel the need to know what’s going to happen. But I have no idea how to fix that part of myself, or if it needs fixing at all. I just know that all I can do is move forward and stop trying to control it all. If only because I can’t control it. (Also, to quote Sheryl Crow, maybe a change will do me good!)